Homicide by David Simon
Could only read what I found on the Amazon site but I wanted more. Simon brings you right into the action, real time. He writes in the present tense with color and energy. Characters have distinct personalities and voices. Dialogue is character driven. Simon stays with the scene for a long time and when he moves away, he is still connected and close to the real time action. The cadence and word choice feel authentic to the characters and the place.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
ML Cornwall: The Jim Dandy- Draft 1
There are some wonderful moments in this piece: "He was the first and only man I knew who could smoke an entire cigarette in two lung-filled drags." Love that. But not sure where your story is going or the through line. Your material is rich..you were right there! But not clear to me (yet) what you want to say about your experience. Any thoughts on why Friendly closed? Did you see it coming or was serving ice cream just a blissful way to earn some money? Your story needs a hook, a point-of-view.
There are some wonderful moments in this piece: "He was the first and only man I knew who could smoke an entire cigarette in two lung-filled drags." Love that. But not sure where your story is going or the through line. Your material is rich..you were right there! But not clear to me (yet) what you want to say about your experience. Any thoughts on why Friendly closed? Did you see it coming or was serving ice cream just a blissful way to earn some money? Your story needs a hook, a point-of-view.
Myra Shah- Draft 1
This is a very endearing story and I liked the way you opened your piece. You literally led us into the building and to Mary Nicholson's new apartment. Lots of good detail but I felt like you breezed through your story. We never get to spend time with Mary or get to know her as a person. We see her doing lots of things but we don't know how she feels. It would be great if you could show us more. Take your time. I'd like to feel closer to Mary and what this big change means to her. Obviously she's healthy and coping. Perhaps if you went into depth with a couple of her activities, we could get closer to Mary and feel her emotions.
This is a very endearing story and I liked the way you opened your piece. You literally led us into the building and to Mary Nicholson's new apartment. Lots of good detail but I felt like you breezed through your story. We never get to spend time with Mary or get to know her as a person. We see her doing lots of things but we don't know how she feels. It would be great if you could show us more. Take your time. I'd like to feel closer to Mary and what this big change means to her. Obviously she's healthy and coping. Perhaps if you went into depth with a couple of her activities, we could get closer to Mary and feel her emotions.
Amy Peters: Draft 1 - "Poker"
Great detail all the way through. The scenes were vivid and I felt like I was right there. But I was thrown by your organization. Your table scene was great but I got confused by all the cutting in and out. Not did I know who Annette was when she was introduced. I think it would be stronger if you let the tournament scene play out and then cut to the background and context.
Also, the online poker bit is an important development and detail but it gets swallowed by the rest of the piece. Watch how you structure your timelines.
Great detail all the way through. The scenes were vivid and I felt like I was right there. But I was thrown by your organization. Your table scene was great but I got confused by all the cutting in and out. Not did I know who Annette was when she was introduced. I think it would be stronger if you let the tournament scene play out and then cut to the background and context.
Also, the online poker bit is an important development and detail but it gets swallowed by the rest of the piece. Watch how you structure your timelines.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Stephen’s 1st Draft: Comments
While reading, I kept thinking of Townie, a memoir by Andre Dubus III, which I just read. Like Kano, Dubus felt small and weak, defenseless against the kids who bullied him and who made him feel inadequate. It filled Dubus with a rage he had to fight his way through. It was powerful and raw and I kept thinking it would be an interesting read and perspective for you.
You have so much to say and this is an interestng story. There is the history of jujitsu and how it links to UFC, the judo master, Kano, and your own journey into the world of martial arts. It’s a great weave of intersecting tales. While I wanted to read more, I also wanted to feel closer to you and your material. Martial arts are physical and totally out of my knowledge zone. I need to feel what martial arts are like.
I loved the line: “When the enemy comes, welcome him. When he goes, send him on his way.” Could this perhaps be a way to open your story? I also like the way you brought us into The Karate Kid. That’s a great scene and a telling moment of where the story might be heading. It gives us a first quick window into you and your journey, and introduces us to the world of martial arts.
More scenes like this I think would help us (the reader) feel closer to you, your story, and your passion. I can;t wait to read more!!
While reading, I kept thinking of Townie, a memoir by Andre Dubus III, which I just read. Like Kano, Dubus felt small and weak, defenseless against the kids who bullied him and who made him feel inadequate. It filled Dubus with a rage he had to fight his way through. It was powerful and raw and I kept thinking it would be an interesting read and perspective for you.
You have so much to say and this is an interestng story. There is the history of jujitsu and how it links to UFC, the judo master, Kano, and your own journey into the world of martial arts. It’s a great weave of intersecting tales. While I wanted to read more, I also wanted to feel closer to you and your material. Martial arts are physical and totally out of my knowledge zone. I need to feel what martial arts are like.
I loved the line: “When the enemy comes, welcome him. When he goes, send him on his way.” Could this perhaps be a way to open your story? I also like the way you brought us into The Karate Kid. That’s a great scene and a telling moment of where the story might be heading. It gives us a first quick window into you and your journey, and introduces us to the world of martial arts.
More scenes like this I think would help us (the reader) feel closer to you, your story, and your passion. I can;t wait to read more!!
John’s 1st Draft: Comments
I was hooked from the beginning, and you were bold to open with a reference to 9/11. It's been done. But of course, your story did not stop there, and you kept piling on one interesting scene after another, like a slow reveal of this guy Williams we are trying to figure out.
Would love to know more about Williams, who’s a bit like the Waldo of southeast Asia. He’s been everywhere; he knows everyone. How does he resolve his insider view of Afghan politics with the way the US manages its foreign policy? Can only imagine Williams gets frustrated??
Eager to see where this interesting story goes.
I was hooked from the beginning, and you were bold to open with a reference to 9/11. It's been done. But of course, your story did not stop there, and you kept piling on one interesting scene after another, like a slow reveal of this guy Williams we are trying to figure out.
Would love to know more about Williams, who’s a bit like the Waldo of southeast Asia. He’s been everywhere; he knows everyone. How does he resolve his insider view of Afghan politics with the way the US manages its foreign policy? Can only imagine Williams gets frustrated??
Eager to see where this interesting story goes.
Lucky Thirteen: Sylvia, 1st Draft Comments
This is such a rich setting and your narrative is most compelling when in character with Sylvia. The dialogue is fun, authentic, and takes us deep into Sylvia's time and world. But I thought the piece loses energy and your voice when it retreats into exposition. Sylvia is a strong character and I miss her when she is not sharing herself.
For me, the story starts with the second graph, which gets us into the story. If info in the first graph is important, then perhaps there is a way to weave it as reflection or back story to the thread of the story. Also, you described Sylvia's high school as "any typical New York City public school." Doesn't sound typical to me. What about a scene showing us what the high school is like?
Not sure where this story is going, but I definitely want to know more about Sylvia's world!
This is such a rich setting and your narrative is most compelling when in character with Sylvia. The dialogue is fun, authentic, and takes us deep into Sylvia's time and world. But I thought the piece loses energy and your voice when it retreats into exposition. Sylvia is a strong character and I miss her when she is not sharing herself.
For me, the story starts with the second graph, which gets us into the story. If info in the first graph is important, then perhaps there is a way to weave it as reflection or back story to the thread of the story. Also, you described Sylvia's high school as "any typical New York City public school." Doesn't sound typical to me. What about a scene showing us what the high school is like?
Not sure where this story is going, but I definitely want to know more about Sylvia's world!
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