Stephen’s 1st Draft: Comments

While reading, I kept thinking of Townie, a memoir by Andre Dubus III, which I just read. Like Kano, Dubus felt small and weak, defenseless against the kids who bullied him and who made him feel inadequate. It filled Dubus with a rage he had to fight his way through. It was powerful and raw and I kept thinking it would be an interesting read and perspective for you.

You have so much to say and this is an interestng story. There is the history of jujitsu and how it links to UFC, the judo master, Kano, and your own journey into the world of martial arts. It’s a great weave of intersecting tales. While I wanted to read more, I also wanted to feel closer to you and your material. Martial arts are physical and totally out of my knowledge zone. I need to feel what martial arts are like.

I loved the line: “When the enemy comes, welcome him. When he goes, send him on his way.” Could this perhaps be a way to open your story? I also like the way you brought us into The Karate Kid. That’s a great scene and a telling moment of where the story might be heading. It gives us a first quick window into you and your journey, and introduces us to the world of martial arts.

More scenes like this I think would help us (the reader) feel closer to you, your story, and your passion. I can;t wait to read more!!