Group 5: Keisha Draft #1

Pros: Writing is clear, carries energy and a comfortable tone.  You convey a good sense of place and set the scene well.  With your use of dialogue and physical descriptions of the campus, you have set the stage for a good scene.

Concerns: We are rooted in a fixed place and time, which creates a visual in my head, but there is no action. Who is “he”? Need to know why this guy matters and why he is hung up on HES being an inferior designation within the Harvard universe. I had a writing teacher once who called this kind of intro (of which I have been famously guilty) as throat clearing. Where’s the beef? We need some red meat to stick our teeth into.

Intrigued by info you added in class.  This guy goes on to be an academic star. Was this his intention? Or did the HES bias he felt drive him to prove others wrong? What are your feelings?

Workshop Group 1/Draft 2

Karen: Draft #2

Pros: Karen, gargantuan leap from where you started. Really impressive work. I like how you were able to better pull out the characters and give them roles in your emerging drama. Your writing is clear, descriptive, and you’ve done a remarkable job using historical detail to get us back in time.  Indeed a tough time to be a woman, especially an ambitious one.

The opening italicized set up works well. It allows you to launch into the story without getting bogged down in a distracting set up.

Concerns: There is a lot of info here and I think a challenge unique to your piece is helping us keep all the characters straight in our heads. Individual roles are emerging but I still feel like Emily needs to be even more central if she is going to carry the story.

Also, I would continue to streamline your narrative: consistent name references, name of school, succinct language. Perhaps each character serves to represent a facet of your story? I don’t want your storyline to get lost in - or a reader to get distracted by - extraneous info.

I like the way you created chapters, but didn’t feel your breaks were the most natural places to pause the action:  For example, p.3 midway: "Emily Talbot was outraged ... two daughters received the very best education possible.” This felt like a natural stop. P.13: Also mid-page “Would it be approved?”  This too felt like a natural breaking point and an opportunity to heighten tension.

Perhaps there is a way to chunk the action around the meetings? You feature three. Might help enhance drama as stakes get higher? Convergence of characters and action?

Sunday January 7, 1877: Possible to capture any of Warren’s original speech?

Durant: do you know why he was so vested in the education of women?

“at fourteen years of age opened a private school” Israel Talbot? If so remarkable. Was this usual or unusual?

Winthrop: do we know who he is? Emily’s son? Was he introduced earlier in the narrative?


Stephanie Draft #2:

Pros: Your piece has great energy, natural dialogue and wonderfully crafted imagery. Your story is alive! Reminds me of Susan Orleans’ piece about the Hawaiian surfer girls. I especially liked the three paragraphs you wrote about the game of footy: “The sight of a kicked ball....Among the world’s many forms of football, only the Rugby school can boast any older.” Tough to do but your elegant descriptions “run, leapt, launched” got us right with you. Your handling of imagery to convey an idea and emotion particularly strong bottom of p.6: “training, partying, playing, celebrating...their moment...she was going to milk it for all its worth.”

Concerns: For me the energy of your piece flagged at transition points. Didn’t feel prepared for the change of tone or scene when you launched into “Before the PA.” Not sure where we are and I feel like we have been pulled away from the action. Your writing implies same: “Now to the night’s formalities...” Same true for “which brings us back to the early March Saturday.”

“I’m getting a bit confused.” Your presence here feels abrupt. Have you actually spoken in first person before? “My daughter had chided me.” reads like a more natural reference, plus it's nice to have Lydia make another appearance in your story.

Some awkward phrases: “for example,” sentence that ended with “becomes clear,” “niggling” Tendency to overly complicate sentences with description.  Love the word "larrikinism" whatever it means!!!


You’ve crafted wonderfully vivid scenes, conveyed a lot of information new to me, and the women are distinct characters. Looking forward to see how you shape shape and cut cut. (Right there with you!!!)