Scene Exercise, 4/12


The horse's flanks began to quiver and its nostrils flared when we heard the rush of the river. Behind a screen of brush and story high trees a muddy rush of spring water split our trail in two.  The bristly hair of the horse's long tail switched back and forth as it slowly picked its way along the rocky path toward the river bank. Despite the shade from the surrounding canopy of green, the late afternoon heat had caused a light sheen to cover the horse's neck. We had been riding an hour and my mouth was dry.

The path cut a sudden right and there the river opened in front of us. Dark and gnarly, hugging the edges of its banks high up to the tree line.  None of us had ever entered flowing water on a horse before. The guide had warned us not to let the horses go down. But in the muggy heat, I too felt pulled towards the  water. I would swim if I could.

Without breaking its stride the horses silently stepped into the river's downstream current. One, two, three steps in and the water was thigh high on the horse,  up to the tips of its mane.  If I left my feet glued in the stirrups, the water would course up my jeans and soak me up to my knees. Slowly, I disentangled my feet and shimmied my knees up the flanks of the horse, hunched up as if on a  rocking horse.

On we went, the horses rolling with the current, more graceful than on land. With knees up, one hand on the horn and one holding the reigns, I wondered if this was the day I would go swimming with horses.



Readings for 4/12


Obviously a gruesome batch of stories revolving around life and death; life or death; who lives and who dies and why?

But in addition to the common theme, it was also interesting that three of them were written about events that the authors were not there to observe. The Long Fall, The Jumpers, and Alive were all second and third hand accounts written as first hand stories. Alive to me was the most effective. I didnt feel the author working as hard as I did in the other pieces. It was also an excerpt from a book, which could support that observation. Both Fall and Jumpers engage us with a character that threads us through the story.

In 193, Hollandsworth observes the trial and has access to the main character.  We're with him all the way. But despite how close we are to the character and the action, much remains unknown and unresolved. There are two sides to Wright's gruesome tale. Hollandsworth appropriately restrains from showing us his bias. (Don't think I could have done the same!!)

Group 2: Draft 2

Sylvia: Lucky Thirteen

This story was fun and easy to read and I couldn't help think what a great young adult book this would be.


While the piece has natural flow, great scenes, good description, and characters that we want to tag along with, I'm still not sure where you are going with this. The narrative arc is illusive. Of course, you may know, but as a reader I want to know the point of what I am reading.

In it's current iteration, this is a slice of life story. if you point me in a direction, I'll go there with you!

Stephen: Draft 2

I really like the way you have opened up the story, given it more breathing room and invited us into this world. While your narrative threads are clear - your interest in juditso, the dojo/master scenes, and the history of the sport -  the transitions could be smoother.  You have room for a better weave and a smoother telling.  Perhaps more background in certain places would help.  Also, less telling and more showing.

For example,when you enter the gym you write "the building is warm and smells like a gym." Great place to describe what's going on rather than assume I will figure it out.  Or when talking about Kano, you share great intimate detail, but wondered about the source for the exchange between Kano's father and himself.  Loved the use of Japanese, but wasn't always clear to me what the terms were referencing. I often had to stop and reread.

But what I really enjoyed most was when you popped up in the story. You are clearly on a quest and I want to know more about that.  Your intro with "The Karate Kid" is spot on, but again you want to tell us more than trust your showing. Dive in. I'll get you have an obsession  by the way you describe that scene.

John: Draft 2

You've clearly added more to your piece, but I miss not starting with "Brian William was reading the newspaper on September 11" scene.  It hooked me in and lets me know immediately this guy is quirky and an Afghan authority.

I also really liked the detail you shared: "likes to measure the quality of any book about the Mayflower by skipping to its chapter on the first Thanksgiving." Funny and telling!

While the story has expanded, I'm still missing a focus, a center to your piece. You're telling me more about Williams but not sure I know why I should care. You also tell me he's not "altruistic" about teaching at UMD and he doesn't feel "stuck." Why does this detail matter? What are you telling us about Williams?

I want to know more and I want to know why.