Group 4: Draft # 2

Michelle: Draft 2

The new information added to this draft starts to give the story a shape it lacked. While I feel like the "spine"is not yet there, it's obvious there's much heart in the telling. Perhaps there is a deeper quest of self discovery? My family all came through Ellis Island and settled in the New York area. I knew my grandparents, but the others remain curiosities.  Contrary to my family, Michelle's family were homesteaders, a completely different brand of immigrant experience. More open and rangy like the west itself.

The fire remains a compelling launch for the rest of the story.  The drama pulls us in, but it also shows us Florence in action and foreshadows the difficulties to come. Florence shows us she is strong and cool headed, the characteristics which fuel her ability to survive and overcome the hardships that will loom large in her future.

There was some really lovely detail which helped me connect with the characters in time and place. "The family huddled around [the fireplace]..." "...his breath clouded before him"...."a Rocky Mountain cyclone couldn't have wrenched her heels from where they stood."

Also effective was the mention of Florence's family objecting to her marriage to Mike. The class tension shown nicely by the wedding announcement placed at the end of the piece. As mentioned in class, Florence is not only a strong woman but also a character strong enough to carry the piece along. Her legacy lives on as a model of pride and fortitude for the generation that succeeds her.

In future rewrites action should be used when possible to help build-out the narrative. It would also help lessen your dependence on descriptive telling.  Right now the piece is a little word heavy and this slows down the narrative.


Greg: Strictly Strings - Second Draft

My overall comment for this piece: delightful. I loved all the choices Greg made. Like Hitchkock's film The Rope, the story reads like a seamless take - we never take our eyes off the two main characters; we never leave the room.  Use of the present tense reinforces immediacy and a real time feel.  The language, like music, has rhythm and beats, which is apropo for his two musician wannabes.

The needed back story is minimal and telegraphic. From a small amount of information we can glean much. The first paragraph a great example of succinct efficient language. It tells us where we are and what these two wannabes are about. It sets us up.  Is this a ruse or are these people for real? I wanted to read more.

Dialogue, word play, arc..it has it all. In Providence, provenance of project, some things fall apart, but in Greg's retelling, the beat goes on.