Comments on G3 - Draft #2

ML: The Jim Dandy

Lots of great descriptions and well crafted scenes. You've also expanded the story - dynamic and characters - which gives you lots to work with as you move towards honing the center of your story. Right now you seem to be writing around the thread that should carry your point-of-view rather than using it to pull us along.

Loved how you introduced your father, your need for money, and your intent to get a car. "She's better off working and providing for herself..If you're not the man to give it to her; she'll find one that will." I'm with you. I worked all through high school (and college) earning the money I needed for clothes, etc. Don't ever remember getting money from my parents.

Also, the work culture inside Friendly's has lots of play to it. Much can be made of your manager Joe who thinks he's "Mr. Corporate" and the rest of you scheming to rip Friendly's off as avidly as Corporate tries to impose cost saving measures.  You've already set the stage with your cast of characters and your walk-on star, Betty.

Perhaps as Paige mentioned in class, your 3 uniforms can provide a natural structure to progression and time.

When proofreading, pay special attention to grammar and tenses.

A great scoop into teenage life. Keep it going!

Myra's World: 2

You've given us so much more than we had before. Mary is starting to become a real woman with real issues. But I still want/need more. I want to know what Mary looks like: is her her gray or dyed, permed or short; does she wear sensible shoes with her skirts and hose or does she wear sneakers with slacks; glasses, hearing aid, scarf, hat, gloves? What make is her car? Is her apartment tidy? Color theme? Curtains? She notices curtains in her old home when she drives by. Why is she doing this?

Any precious objects? Belongings she thinks are missing but wants?

Mary's downsizing from her house to a senior apt coupled with losing Paul is huge. I've done this with my own father.  Everything shifts and changes; daily routines filled with adjustments.

As we were talking in class about the spine of your story, I wondered if this was a story about loss or about Mary's resilience? Seems like she is experiencing both. Perhaps that is a tension you can weave into what you write.

AMY: Surgery Draft One

Amy, you've got us hooked. The drama and tension is implicit in every scene. As a reader I was as incredulous as you and your family as you started to realize your dad's surgery was not going to end well. A harrowing realization.  Who doesn't want to resist feeling that helpless?

I think it's great that you are able to take us from the waiting room into the operating room; from family drama to clinical drama. And everything shifts accordingly: voice, language, characters. In fact, I would push it even further. Take us even deeper into the clinical world of Dr. Shale and what is going on in the OR.  Dramatize the difference btwn the two environments.

The details you've inserted are just right. Spare but telling; they keep us focused on the action.

I too think a simple device, like time on the clock or day part shows on the TV, might work to punctuate the structure of the story and the passing of time. Not much time elapses but drama unfolds simultaneously in two rooms.

Best of luck with this piece.